WORDS Beth Doherty, Liz Lillis, Michael McVeigh and James Massola

There are probably as many forms of love as there are relationships. Each couple has their own way of being together, their own ways of expressing their feelings and their own ways of resolving their differences.

Marriage is a sacrament in the Catholic Church for a reason. Like God’s love for us, the commitment made in marriage is a bond that joins two people together in their journeys for the rest of their lives.

In this special feature, we speak to a handful of Australian couples about love, marriage, and the various stages of the journey.

Going courting

Couples differ on what it is that helps their marriage work, but for Jonathan and Karen Doyle, it was their courtship that made the difference. In fact, says Jonathan, it took three years of persistent asking before Karen even agreed to go out with him.

‘One day, she actually said to me, “When are you going to get over it? I’m never going to go out with you!” Perseverence is the single greatest male quality’, Jonathan laughs.

Obviously, Karen eventually changed her mind and the Canberra-based couple have been married for six-and-a-half years and are currently expecting their first (long-awaited) child.

Jonathan and Karen are a husband and wife team that run the newly formed company Choicez Media—a media company which focuses on values-based sex education and training young people to make good choices. They work primarily with religious educators, priests, pastors, and those who work in the formation of young people.

When Karen and Jonathan talk about courting, they’re not just speaking of a process of dating until you find the right person—it is dating with an element of discernment, getting to know the real person. It goes much deeper than the traditional movie and dinner dates.

‘It was one of those really extraordinary experiences!’ they say of their time together before the eventual proposal.

Both are currently undertaking the Masters program from the John Paul II Institute in marriage and family studies and theology. Jonathan says that working with Karen has given him an even greater insight into her character.

‘I’ve had the opportunity to be really impressed by how she relates to the people she works with’, says Jonathan.

‘Aww thanks!’ says Karen, smiling at Jonathan. ‘I love the fact that I get to live and work with him. It’s a wonderful adventure and it has been a real privilege.’

The news of their first baby came as an unexpected and happy surprise after years of trying to have children.

Karen laughs about the fact that when she first discovered she was pregnant, she asked the doctor ‘how did that happen?’

‘We were working in sex education, and yet, couldn’t work out why I was feeling sick every morning! We had tried for six years and it was the furthest thing from our minds’, she says.

At the time of writing, they were just one month away from the birth of their child.

‘Finding out we were pregnant was such a spiritual moment for us. It was that realisation that we had created a new life with God.’ BD.

Trust in marriage

Saveuy and Louis Mangala’s relationship has been about bridging distances—physical, religious and cultural ones.

The Laotian couple met in Australia, after both had fled Laos as refugees—Louis in 1976, and Saveuy in 1978. Both spent time in refugee camps in Thailand, but they didn’t meet until they were living in Melbourne in 1982.

At the time, Saveuy was living in Bendigo with an Australian family, trying to learn the language. Louis would drive to Bendigo each weekend, to bring her back to Melbourne to visit her sisters and uncle.

However, the distance issue was easier to overcome than the religious and cultural ones. Louis is a Buddhist, while Saveuy is a Catholic.

Louis attended Catholic Catechism once a week for several months before they were married but after discussion with his teaching priest chose to remain true to his faith.

Louis said he believes the basic values of trust and respect for others, which are important to him, are found in both religions.

Saveuy said she worried she would not be a suitable wife for Louis. In Laos their families’ status was different. Louis’ family had strong links to the ruling class, and she wouldn’t have been considered an appropriate wife if they had met in their own country.

‘Our culture is very much about the family. Louis is from a large family and I was concerned about being a good daughter-in-law’, Saveuy says. ‘I wanted to be a good wife.’

The different beliefs of their families made their wedding day a busy one, with a Catholic wedding ceremony at 8 am, followed by a traditional Laotian cultural ceremony at Saveuy’s uncle’s home which by tradition had to be completed before noon.

Since then, they have both worked hard to build a life for themselves in their new country. They moved into a small flat in suburban Springvale with wedding gifts of a bed and a second-hand couch and with just $500 to their names.

‘We had to work and save for everything, first a fridge and then a TV’, Louis says.

They now live in a home in Avondale Heights in Melbourne’s north-west, with their two children, daughter Darouny, 21, and son Andrew, 18.

Both say their relationship has grown stronger over the years.

‘In the early years we had to learn about each other’, says Saveuy. ‘We used to argue over small things. I used to lose my cool.’

‘We learned from our mistakes’, says Louis. ‘Trust, love and caring for each other are very important.’

Saveuy and Louis said they believe firmly in their wedding vows as a commitment for their lifetime.

Saveuy says it simply: ‘Two become one.’ LL.

A joint commitment

David Murray knows just what attracted him to his wife Julie Edwards.

‘Her energy, and passion, and vibrancy’, he says. ‘She was just incredibly switched on.’

Both David and Julie have spent many years working among the marginalised. While Julie is a Catholic, David is agnostic. What brought them together was a shared need to make a difference.

‘We had in common a real commitment to social justice’, says Julie. ‘A commitment to people who ended up falling through the safety net. Also to challenging the structures that lead to inequality or disadvantage.’

Their life together hasn’t followed a conventional route. When they first met in 1982, Julie was living in a Christian community in the Melbourne suburb of Richmond. David, a youth worker, was visiting one of his clients who was living with the community. He says he was amazed at the way they lived.

‘I was working and earning money, and to some extent had a relatively hedonistic lifestyle’, he says. ‘So the idea of abandoning that to live in poverty and squalor really didn’t appeal to me.’

However, after their wedding in 1984, David moved into the community with Julie. They moved to the country when their first child was six months old, and fostered another child who was 18 months old. While adjusting to being parents, they were also living a very basic existence, with no running water, washing machine or other household appliances, and no car.

‘We made life hard for ourselves’, Julie admits.

David and Julie now live a more ‘normal’ existence. A couple of years ago they were even given a television, although Julie says she still hates it. Their three children—Michael, 22, Brigid, 20, and Madeleine, 16—are all still living at home.

Julie is now CEO of Jesuit Social Services, while David is Executive Director of the Youth Substance Abuse Service. With both of them working such demanding jobs, and in similar areas, it can be difficult to find time for each other.

‘We’re both really passionate and committed to our work. For us, our kids have always been first … It’ll go, children, work, each other, ourselves’, says Julie. ‘We’ve just got to make sure, now our kids are getting older, that we just don’t allow that time to be taken over more and more by work.’

David laughs when he hears Julie put it in that order.

‘There are times when I’m probably more likely to say, “Can we not talk about this [work] any more?” I think that’s an ongoing issue for us.’

Julie says love is about respecting who the other person is.

‘I never give up on trying to change David’, she admits. ‘He’s much better about accepting who I am. But there needs to be that fundamental respect.’

‘I think we complement each other’, says David. ‘In fact we’re almost opposites in a way. She’s energetic, vibrant, full on. I’m a quiet, relatively introverted person. So we are quite opposite. That seems to work.’ MM

Making the partnership work

After 62 years of marriage, Silvio and Antoinette Massola know what it takes to live as a couple.

‘I can’t imagine my life without Sil’, says Antoinette. ‘We have a partnership. He worked, and I looked after the children and cooked. It’s different now, but it was the right thing for us.’

While they agree on most things, some arguments can never be resolved.

‘We have been very lucky with our health, too’, says Antoinette. ‘It’s all the Tuscan food.’

‘No’, interjects Silvio, ‘the food from Torino, in the north of Italy, is much better.’ Their exchange has the ring of one that has been occurring for a long time.

Antoinette, who is 87, and Silvio, who is 94, have been married since 1945. For them, marriage has been a long and winding journey through children, running a business, and becoming Australians.

They fell in love when Silvio saw Antoinette acting in a play at the Dante Club, where her father was president.

‘Her character’s name was Betty’, says Silvio, ‘I can’t remember what the play was. It wasn’t very good. I had seen her around before, but I had always thought she was too young. But when she came onto the stage, I sat up. Afterwards I went backstage and told her I had been bored until she came on stage.’

‘It’s true’, says Antoinette. ‘Sil was a flirt, and everyone said it. But my father Ginese said, “You have to do the right thing by her”, and he did.

‘One day, after a couple of months, I heard my mother and father in the kitchen talking. Silvio was coming for dinner. My father said to my mother that Silvio had asked for permission to marry me, and he [Ginese] had said it was OK. That’s what you did in those days. So I had time to think about it, while Sil was so nervous through dinner. And of course, I said yes.’

‘We are very lucky really’, says Silvi. ‘We have had 62 years of happiness. Two beautiful children, five grand-children, and now six great-grand-children.’

Their life together has seen them travel back home to Italy, as well as to Argentinia and France. And even after so long, they still enjoy each other’s company.

‘We still have fun together’, says Silvio. ‘We go to the Bugatti dinners still [Silvio used to build and race Bugattis, like his father before him], we go to lunches with our friends. We enjoy ourselves.’ JM.