WORDS Naomi Flanagan

Living with a chronic illness requires its own faith.

Prayer has changed for me in the course of living with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome over the last eleven years.

Becoming suddenly so unwell was such a shock to my system that my initial prayer was one of desperation, 'get me out of here and make me better'. I had been an active student, a keen sportswoman and a leader in my final year of school. Without warning, I suddenly struggled to attend class let alone participate in sporting endeavours.

Initially I prayed for recovery in the same way that I had achieved other goals. Time passed, and with no change in my experience of suffering I became demoralised and questioned many of my beliefs. At 16, these beliefs included the notion of a God who could fix my problems. I felt disheartened that this experience of prayer was not like the things I had prayed for previously. Hard work and persistence did not produce results as I'd imagined they would and I wondered what I was doing wrong.

The reality of living with a chronic illness resulted in problems apart from the physical symptoms, causing as much suffering as the illness itself. Feeling disconnected from people and life, unproductive and worthless, were issues just as concerning as the pain, nausea and fatigue.

I set goals that were far beyond my reach. Once I entered an athletics competition, knowing that this was something I had previously been good at, in defiance at the reality of spending most of every day in pain and in bed. Unable to physically keep up with these expectations, I felt as if my actual self was fading away.

Terrified that I was disappearing, I prayed to feel like a person again, sick or not, just so that I belonged somewhere and could contribute in a larger sense. Each time I relapsed I took it as my own personal failure, as though my efforts were being purposely thwarted. I remember in my frustration silently thinking 'what then? If I'm doing such a terrible job, what is it that I'm meant to be doing?'

When my health deteriorated further I almost lost faith completely. At times too tired to hold a conversation, I felt that I was just a shell with no person in it. My sense of disconnection from anything good, whole and joyful was so complete that I longed just to feel less alone.

If I was to move forward I had to rethink my identity. My old beliefs led me to see this existence as failure. I was challenged to find value in myself because I exist, regardless of the things that I do. I had to let go of dreams I once held because I couldn't grieve their loss forever. I couldn't play basketball, or teach swimming to children, but I could still write and I could do small craft projects at home. I wouldn't have chosen these things previously but I couldn't wait for my old active self to return.

After some time, my experience led me to stop trying so hard to connect with a God outside of my world. I no longer felt I needed to ask for anything. I was unable to work and my desire to be physically active seemed like a lost dream.

Living every day is a struggle involving a sustained deliberate effort which requires its own faith. It is about believing that I won't suffer forever, that at some time I will find what I need. My resolve to persevere is a daily exercise and a prayer in itself. At times when the struggle gets too tough, other people take it up, offering their prayers for me.

Although things are less of a struggle now, the practice of living every day whilst respecting my changed values continues to be my personal form of prayer. This involves listening to problems as they already exist, having faith in my own strengths and trusting life amidst the struggle. I strive towards feeling connected and of value, and I meet the God in people when I find it.