WORDS Virginia Small
Sometimes we can feel unheard in a world that seems to lack the compassion to stop talking and simply care.
If we do find a listener, chances are they're watching the clock or waiting for us to pause so they can end the conversation and move on. Seldom do we feel as if the whole world is bothering to listen and that, as St Ignatius Loyola exhorted, they 'speak little but listen much'.
For those who feel marginalised in society-for example, by divorce, separation or the death of a spouse-the world can suddenly become an alienating place because some of their most immediate needs-to be heard, understood and their cares embraced-are overlooked.
They, too, need to feel that at least someone is listening.
The president of the Brisbane branch of Australian Catholic Solo Parents, Linda (who wishes to withhold her second name), says that many of her separated, divorced or widowed members join the group because they just want someone to listen to them.
So often, Linda says, they need support for their social, spiritual and emotional dilemmas but often they can feel alienated by the Catholic Church because of their changed marital status. As a result there is not yet a lot of church involvement on the part of the Brisbane branch. This can also be because people need time to re-establish all aspects of their lives.
'There can be some disillusionment among single people who might go to church and see families and couples but feel alienated by this', Linda says.
For CSP in Victoria spirituality remains central, and there is one function held each month as part of a vibrant spiritual calendar. Tim Holzer, President of the Victorian CSP group, says these meetings 'address the tensions deep down', promoting an even closer bond among the participants and developing their relationship with God.
The Brisbane branch has 175 members but, Linda says, there's a serious shortage of men amongst them. Tim echoes this need, saying bluntly: 'We need to get the blokes'.
Both Linda and Tim say their branches have started advertising their groups through Catholic schools and in local independent papers to address this shortage (see ad on p29).
'It's harder to get men in, but once they join they find they're not sitting at home looking at a brick wall and they never leave the group', Tim says. 'People are pretty shattered after a divorce because they lose half or more of their friends. When your family is wrenched away from you, you can go into total regression.'
Tim describes the 120 Victorian members as a compassionate, relaxed and informal group. He says Victorian CSP is now actively promoting itself in Melbourne parishes and the response from interested potential members has been positive.
'But we've received a mixture of responses from local priests because a lot of them don't know what we do and think it's a dating service, which it's not', he explains. 'Women can come and know they're not going to get hit on, which can happen in other social groups.'
Linda joined Catholic Solo Parents (CSP) three years ago because she found it was a place where strong friendships were formed and it was open to like-minded people. She emphasises that, despite their name, the group is open to people of all religions. The most important aspect of the group's activities is that it provides healing help. Reflecting on this in his own circumstances, Tim says he had no idea what a divorce was before he experienced one.
'It affects your confidence and brings loneliness. The person who knows you best has rejected you', he says. 'To be Catholic and divorced had never entered my psyche.'
In addition, Tim says, people tend to lose touch with the church once they're divorced because there can be the misunderstanding that they are unable to receive Holy Communion-which is wrong. Divorcees are welcome to receive Holy Communion; if they re-marry without an annulment they may not.
CSP had a simple genesis in 1977 in Melbourne when a small group met in the loungeroom of a widow, Anne Dale. Anne had been inspired to start such a group after she attended a retreat on grief. At the retreat Anne found that solace in a number of other people who wanted to share their grief together and maintain their contact with each other afterwards.
Supported by the Pauline, Family Care and Josephite communities, the group focuses on spiritual and social functions as a means of creating supportive, nurturing, 'listening' networks. Father Gerard Dowling became CSP patron in 1980 and from a headquarters in Essendon offers a drop-in centre for people experiencing grief. It's also an administrative office for Frankston, Brighton, Dandenong, Waverly and Doncaster. There are sister organisations, such as the Brisbane group, in other states.
Both Tim and Linda are quick to point out that people with children are welcome at CSP. All groups around Australia offer activities for members with children such as weekend functions and family camps. Parents can bring their children to meetings.
'CSP may not offer total healing because there is always something that brings pain-a glance at a previous family holiday destination, a familiar song, the children mentioning something harmless which cuts you in half', Tim reflects.
'But though it may not be perfect, it's the best thing people in our position have and it keeps this group of people-which can easily become alienated-in contact with the church.'
Tim says he firmly believes that it's through the constant all-embracing support, listening, laughter and the ability to have fun in the groups that helps heal the individual on his or her journey.
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